


In a Field of Weeds

by Pelydryn



Series: Pornalot 2017 [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Banter, Dialogue-Only, Humor, M/M, Opportunistic Gwaine, Pornalot, Quest, This might be my favorite thing I ever wrote. Maybe., druids made them do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 08:12:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11802000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pelydryn/pseuds/Pelydryn
Summary: As part of a quest to find the prophesied secret to Albion's golden age, Arthur needs to have sex in the Druids' sacred grove. Too bad that's not as romantic as it sounds.





	In a Field of Weeds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Moonflower999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonflower999/gifts).



> Written for [Pornalot's Week One Challenge "(Con)Quest"](http://pornalot.livejournal.com/8912.html).
> 
> For Moon, because she's the sweetest and I'm so glad she came to [chat](http://merlin-chat.livejournal.com/488.html). :)

• <3 • <3 • <3 •

“Remind me again… Why am I naked in a field of weeds?”

“It's a sacred grove, Arthur, not a field of weeds. And it was _your_ bright idea to go on a quest. No one asked if _I_ wanted to sleep on rocks for a month.”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

“…”

“Oh, stop with the puppy dog eyes. That's hardly fighting fair.”

“Nothing ever pleases you, does it?”

“Of course not. I'm the King. It's my sovereign right to be displeased. I can _see_ you rolling your eyes, idiot. Now… why did I agree to this?”

“For the quest. To find the prophesied secret to Albion's golden age. You must prove yourself pure of heart by petting a unicorn. Only virgins and the pure of heart can. The druids need to make sure you're actually pure and not just a virgin.”

“I’m not an idiot, Merlin. Unlike some people. I meant, why did I agree to do this with _you_?”

“Oh. Because you… love me?”

“Really? That's the best you could come up with?”

“Because… you love me and want to have my babies?”

“Gods, Merlin. It's a wonder I haven't fired you yet.”

“You have. Twice.”

“And yet you’re still here. You're harder to get rid of than a patch of warts.”

“You’re so romantic when you talk like that.”

“Gods. Let's get this over with. Come here.”

“What happened to ‘in the bedroom we're equals’”?

“Does this look like a bedroom? Now get over here.”

“Prat.”

“I heard that.”

“Fine. Here I am, Your Majesty. Now what?”

“Now we get started. But—there is no way in hell I'm lying down on weeds. Those things are spiky. You do it, Merlin.”

“No way! I'm not getting my back all scratched up.”

“ _Mer_ lin…”

“No, Arthur. We'll just have to do it standing up.”

“How on earth do we do that?”

“It might be easier against that tree…”

“You're going to make me do all the hard work, aren't you?”

“I sure can't lift you up. You've grown too fond of Audrey's puddings.”

“Why, you little turniphead!”

“Ahhh! That's my—ahhhh!—word! Stop! Put me down!”

“Not till we're done. Now let's do this.”

“Argh! I change my mind! This tree is rougher than you are the morning after a feast.”

“Stop whining. Now shut up and kiss me.”

“Go to h—mmmmm.”

“I do love how effective that technique is. Now, better get on with the show.”

“Er, I'm really not feeling it, Arthur. All I'm feeling is itchy.”

“You don't have to be ‘feeling it’. Last time I checked this wasn't your quest.”

“You are such a prat.”

“Mmmm. You said that already. And could you use some magic to speed things along? I'm getting sunburnt in places that should never see the light of day.”

“Gods, you owe me big time. But there, I'm ready to go.”

“I knew all that magic was good for something. I don't suppose you could make yourself lighter while you're at it?”

“Just get moving already!”

“Which one of us is the king here?”

“Ahhhhh… Yes… Ohhhhhh…. Why are you stopping?”

“I asked you a question!”

“Fuck, Arthur, stop teasing me!”

“Who's the king, Merlin?”

“You're the royal, Arthur. Ahhhhh…. Mmmmmmmm…. The royal… ass….”

“Damn, you're incorrigible. But the gods know…. I…. Nhnnnn… love it…”

“Gods, Arthur, go…. faster. Faster! Ahhhhh.”

“I'm going… as fast… as I can.”

“It's not… fast… enou— Arthur!”

“Mer— unnnnnnnnhhhhhh. Mmmmmm.”

• <3 • <3 • <3 •

“Well, that was different.”

“I think there are ants crawling up my arse.”

“It's a very fine arse. I don't blame them.”

“Never again, Merlin. We are never having sex in the weeds again.”

“I'm not sure how pure of heart the unicorn will find you if you keep insulting its sacred grove.”

“Fuck the unicorn. I think you got mud in my hair.”

“You know that's not my fault! My magic goes crazy when I come.”

“Always with the excuses, Merlin.”

“There’s a bunch of leaves in your hair too. You look like a forest nym— What! No!! You put that ball of mud down right now, Arthur Pendragon, or so help me… Arghlllrrrgh!”

“Yes, that’s much better. Oh look, there are some druids coming. Go see what they want.”

“I'm dripping in mud! You go!”

“I'm getting the ants out of my arse. And you're my servant. It's your job!”

“Make me!”

“Oh, I'll make you all right!”

“No! No tickling! Stop! Stop! I'll go!”

• <3 • <3 • <3 •

“Finally! You're back. What did they want?”

“Well, there's bad news and there's… er… worser news.”

“Why am I not surprised? When do you ever bring good news?”

“Hey! Not my fault. But the druids said that we were too eager to, er… fuck like bunnies. We left their camp too quickly. And… well… We didn't take the witness with us.”

“The witness?”

“Someone to observe and… make sure you aren't a blushing maid anymore.”

“No one said anything about a witness! Who is it?”

“Well, everyone there drew lots, and… Gwaine won. I suspect he cheated.”

“Shit. Let's get this over with.”

“You're so romantic.”

• <3 • <3 • <3 •

“That was even worse the second time. I think Gwaine was getting _ideas_. Now where is this unicorn?”

“Er, I went to ask. Like you told me. And… there maybe… is no unicorn?”

“What—”

“The Druids said… er… that ‘unity with Emrys and acceptance of his magic are the keys to Albion’s golden age.’”

“We've already united! I accepted your magic!”

“They… didn't know? Since magic is still illegal? I told you to get on that.”

“But—”

“A seer had a vision showing me… losing control. Magically. Here. With you. They thought they needed to make it happen. To ensure Albion.”

“Our sex life is the subject of visions? I knew you were trouble the moment I met you.”

“At least with me you'll reign over Albion’s golden age?”

“I don't know… That's a pretty steep price.”

“I could always turn you into a toad. Where would Albion be then?”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

• <3 • <3 • <3 •


End file.
